My second day as a Bane has been uneventful. I am not as self-conscious now as I was yesterday, but I am staying in BDSM-themed SIMs, where I don't feel so weird and out of place. I am not comfortable around men, especially strangers. I think it is embarrassment more than fear.
One nice woman appeared to be very concerned about me, after I emoted a cry in half joking fashion. I could not seem to communicate to her that I was okay. She kept typing (all I read was "...") and trying to manipulate my restraints, and I kept shaking my head to indicate that I couldn't communicate with her. I really hope I didn't scare her.
But most people are just ignoring me now. My custodian was online several times but did not communicate with me. I spent time at my usual table in Deitide, and then checked out Bondage playground for the first time (I think). I wondered how my friends from the Black Orchids were doing, June and Yrsa, and Jill, and Pike. I went to some places where I thought I might run into them, but I did not see anyone. I sometimes wish I had kept the Black Orchids group going.
After 2 days of Bane, I realize that the main reason I have a blog is its the only way I have to communicate. Even if nobody knows it exists, I feel like I am talking to friends here on this blog.
As I write this, I realize that blogging is probably a form of cheating, while you are a Bane. It seems to reduce my sense of isolation, at least a little. I never felt the urge to blog before now! So something is going on psychologically here.
Maybe the Paine Asylum will be open for business by the time my banishment is over :)
1 comment:
Dear Pamela, I only found out about your blog today, as someone mentioned it in a comment to one of my bane posts on my own blog (don't bother visiting it, it's in Italian, sorry). What's interesting is, I also started my blog when I became a tester for Marine Kelley's RR banesuit, a couple of months ago. A blog is, indeed, a way of cheating out of silence. And yet it's not, since a bane has almost no way to tell her friends that she is blogging her experience (yes, yes, she can write that in her profile: but your friends know your profile already and probably won't read it again... and so many newbies just do not seem to care fo reading profiles anyways). I guess emotions bottle up so much one has to pour them somewhere. I am glad I found your bottle and I will read it all in the next few days. If anything, to learn who your Custodian/friend was. Were you using Sable Janus' banesuit or something different? Keep up the good work,
Win (former Sable Janus bane, former Kelley Technologies bane, actually one of Kelley Tech's Bane Operators)
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